10 indications that you're in danger of becoming British.

1) When you cancel dinner plans on a Wednesday night so you can rush home to watch the Apprentice.

2) When you start using 'mate' in your conversation instinctively rather than intentionally, and when you start saying 'chips' instead of 'french fries' and 'crisps' instead of 'chips'.

3) When you find, to your surprise, that you're usually on time for appointments.

4) When you actually get annoyed that someone's breaking the eerie silence on the london underground by talking.

5) When you can have a long chat with someone in the supposedly lower strata of society without being uncomfortably aware of it.

6) When you start hating Margaret Thatcher with a violent passion.

7) When you smile and say a polite 'good morning' to people in your neighbourhood that you don't know, but have passed by once or twice on the street.

8) When you read a report about another government cock-up and think: "That's taxpayers' money they're wasting!"

9) When you begin to take it for granted that nobody will ask you why you've lost or put on weight, and whether that mole on your face was always there?

10) When you say " 'We' played pretty well last night" when you're actually talking about 11 people you've never met kicking a ball hundreds of miles away.

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10 reasons why you know you'll ALWAYS be Indian and NEVER British.

1) When you stay up til 6 in the morning watching Rahul Dravid play that oh-so-perfect forward defence.

2) When you read a report about how the number of students getting A's in GCSEs have gone up by 0.67% since 2004, and think to yourself - even a Dr Cox-style rant wouldn't do justice to how little I care about this.

3) When someone's over for dinner and you absolutely insist that they have just a little bit more to eat, even though they've said 'No' three times.

4) When you meet another Indian, and find out - after many minutes of cathersis - that you are 6th cousins twice removed.

5) When you walk two miles to buy milk for £1.49 rather than £1.53 at the cornershop just outside your house.

6) When you listen to AR Rehman.

7) When you go out to Soho or Covent Garden, get completely pissed on beer and tequila shots, and then experience a sudden craving for thayir sadam and vadu manga (insert appropriate dish depending on where in India you're from).

8) When you read or hear someone mention the UK-US "special relationship" and wonder if we really ever did get our freedom..

9) When you know you shouldn't, but are dying to, make a racist/sexist joke which would go down pretty well back home - but would shock people around here.

10) When you read The Daily Mail